This in the style of fauxphilnews:
A group of world famous utilitarians at Harvard have created a new utility room where they plan to test some of their theories. Experimental philosophy is all the rage right now, but utilitarians have been conspicuously absent in the field. Until now, that is. “The new utility room is a wonder of modern technology”, said Ben Tham, Chair of the Harvard University Department of Philosophy. For example, the room will house a large scale that can hold up to 20 undifferentiated persons at each side. Different groups of “individuals” can then be weighed against each other in often complex configurations. Researchers hope that this will render utilitarianism a more complete and deep theory ready to deal with the intricate problems that policy makers as well as ordinary people have to deal with in their everyday lives. The room will also have a person sized ironing board that will be used to iron out differences between different test subjects who are happy or sad for different reasons. Automatic waste disposal is also available so that lighter groups can be handled quickly and cleanly. Environmental responsibility is something of the utmost importance for these “New Utilitarians”. We are sure to hear a lot more of them in the future.
More on utilitarianism here.